LETS GET REAL.

I want to be the black man in Chelsea Handler’s life. If any of you watch her show then you know about her obsession with rappers. Just another similarity we share.

But she needs to put down the rappers and look my way. 

I mean, HEY GURL HEY….

I officially have tickets to go see Chelsea perform stand up live on June 4^th. SO this blog needs to become my number one priority. I have 3 months to convince Chelsea that she should let me backstage to take a shot of vodka with her. So I need your guys help what kind of stunts can I pull to get her attention?

That means you too Chelsea. Taylor Swift was nice enough to hug those two white bros.  So send me some tasks like she sent them and I’ll complete them…. (But I don’t want to do cheesy tasks like hugging strangers and helping older people. We both know blondes don’t do things like that.)

NOTEBOOK: Facebook and Twitter

 THIS IS FACEBOOK

In my very extreme primary stages of becoming a PR executive, I am still currently using Facebook as a personal social network tool. I use it primarily to keep in touch with friends who live outside of Winnipeg. After I’ve kept in touch with everyone I then use it to creep on other people, and then I use it in its pure narcissistic fashion to see pictures of myself out last weekend or last whenever..... (since I am a CreComm student. haha!) The one productive way I currently use Facebook is to see what is going on in the city. I use Facebook to fill up my social calendar. It keeps me on top of what’s going on in Winnipeg with very little effort.

My friends use Facebook the same way I use it. Although they probably won’t admit that they look at pictures of themselves. next, next, next..

THIS IS TWITTER (obvs) 

I use Twitter as entertainment. I love following celebrities, fashion houses and friends to keep updated on my own mini world.  If I didn’t frequently check my Twitter feed I’d be afraid that I was missing out on something like a joke, a hilarious twit pic, a promotion or a great celebrity rant.

In my opinion Twitter will be the tool I use more in my career in the public relations field. It's interactive without being invasive or as time consuming as Facebook.  I can get the sense of a person and their twitter persona by reading five of their latest tweets. I don't have to waste my time on long winded "info" pages on Facebook or poor over countless self portrait profile pictures.  Plus, being tweeted @ is much “cooler” than getting a Facebook message. Although Twitter is progressively being used by all it is still newer and more cutting edge than Facebook. And there is even a more dire need to not be left out of the loop on Twitter. If I don’t check Facebook I might miss out on what Jenny wrote to Timmy's wall. But if I don’t check my Twitter I might miss out on what nasty thing 50 Cent tweeted about Chelsea Handler.  (I couldn't handle missing that)

 I check Facebook once a day, I check Twitter between every ten minute break in my day. I find Twitter more interactive because it’s a conversation more so than a comment.  And on Twitter I’m just willing to see more. On Facebook I want to keep it private. I want to check out events, I want to laugh at my friends pictures and like your comment on that friend’s picture. I don’t want to be talked to by strangers and I don’t want to be sold something. But on Twitter I’m open for it all. Someone tweets at you, you check out their tweets and maybe reply. I need help or want to reach someone who is interested in pink long hair cats. I tweet about it. I get re-tweeted cause I’m a freak. And then I get a reply. Its faster, more effective and just a more useful as TOOL.

NOTEBOOK: Self-publish, traditional publisher, amazon.com, Usher

BY NO MEANS AM I AN EXPERT ON THIS TOPIC. (opinions of a college kid) 

Yeah yeah, I heart you too Usher. But will you publish my book?

When I think about publishing my own work I have a more naive idealistic attitude about it. CREATE and SHARE. When it comes down to it I wish the point of art was to merely have people experience it. If I put on my hippie thinking cap I think wouldn't it be nice if the reason people wrote books was merely for the fact that they wanted people to read them?

Enter the NoteSlate! I need one SO BAD. I learnt about it from Book Madam and from NoteSlate's website where it explains the device as the following..

"It's low cost tablet device with true one colour display, real paper look design, long life battery (180h !), together with very handy usage and very simple and helpful interface for pen and paper. This easy, compact and portable gadget is used anywhere you want to make any notes, drafts, sketches, any ideas for future reference. Paper for everyone! Write a note and check it later, save it, or delete it. Maybe send it after. Just one colour is enough to express the basics. Keep your life simple. You will love it. For $99."

Book Madam simly put it: "A tablet that let's you read and create with it. And share with it."

That's simple and wonderful.

BUT PEOPLE NEED MONEY RIGHT? And I'm not a hippie and money is dope.

So then we encounter this problem....

"I read that some of these e-retailers are not so secretly encouraging writers to “cut out the publisher” and split royalties 50-50 with them. 50% royalties. That’s five times what the traditional means offers you. (writer receive 10% royalities from publishers) Five times the money off your book. Imagine.

And now Amazon are offering writers a 70-30 split in their favour." 

-Chad Pelley (off of Book Madam)

Pelley added, "No matter how great the book, an author is not going to get very far if their book isn’t in stores, getting reviewed, eligible for awards, and getting promoted amply by their very own publicist. No one buys a book they haven’t heard of." 

I agree with that last statement. I don't agree with that last statement. I think the world has really opened up to being self published, self-promoted, SELF-SELF-SELF. I do believe that a writer could be successful without actually having books in store. And I do think that promotion and the sale of the big idea of a book is possible without a publisher, depending on the content of the book and the audience. Social media really changes the game and any writer could create a whole online campaign for their book. But then I start thinking sometimes that this can only go so far... What is the writers' reach VS the publishers' reach?

CASE STUDY: JUSTIN BIEBER.

Think about... Justin Bieber. He was a little Canadian baby posting videos of himself singing on youtube. He gained extreme success off his youtube channel. He was cute, adorable, talented and not yet a teenaged asshole. SOUNDS GREAT! BUT this only went so far... In the end (the end of his self-promotion) Usher found baby biebs and signed him to his label (ie. equivalant to publisher in the book world) and now Justin Bieber is

THE JUSTIN BIEBER.

Now authors are different. Can't a good book just be a good book because it's written well? Do we need a publisher to tell us it's a good book or do we just need word of mouth? We hear the word of mouth then us tech savvy people go online and buy the book from Amazon; which results in our favourite writers receiving 70%. Everyone will be happy. Art will be read. Mean publisher who only dish out 10% percent will be sad. And the world will go on. Or NO?

Do authors need their own Usher? Who would Justin Bieber be without Usher?

Justin Bieber has a book.

            

Screw Valentines Day. Happy Nugget day to you and yours.

When thinking of all the reasons I love Chelsea Handler I have to admit the way she treats others is what I admire most about her. She enjoys the company of dogs, older men, gays, rappers, some political incorrect things I won't name, and of course faithful nuggets.

Now a page from the Chelsea dictionary:
Nugget: A nugget is a friendly term for soul mate. The relationship one holds with their nugget is completely platonic but for some reason you love them more than anyone you've ever loved. As well your nugget is never as dominate as you and lets you be in control aka "lets you get away with a lot". Although the nugget does have creative control to fire back at you as you continuously make jabs at them. But in the end your life would generally be impossible to live without your nugget.


physical appearance of a nugget:
-short
-chubby
-of ethnic decent

Nuggets in action:

Now I have a nugget in my life. I've only known him since September but I could not function as a human being without him. He fits most categories of the nugget requirements 101. EXCEPT the chubby part, as he is an athelete who walks to school both ways everyday!!! (unless I drive him home of course.)

Me and My Nugget

DOCTOR DOCTOR!

So I find myself wearing rolled up jeans with heels carrying my feet, my hands are double fisting vodka drinks and more often than not I find myself saying unflattering things about Angelina Jolie. 

People are beginning to worry about me.

So I decided to get in contact with the most reliable source for help, WEB MD. I explained my symptoms and nothing seemed to come up! Well nothing besides MR.Web MD telling me I'm fricking awesome. So I took my issues to a larger source, GOOGLE. That which WEB MD does not know, Google will.

This turned up:

Chelsea Handler Syndrome
(Also known as CHS)

A condition in which you've watched so much 'Chelsea Lately' or 'The Chelsea Handler Show' that you've come to talk, look, and move your body like her. You say things like 'shadoobie', 'pikachu', and 'little nugget', all while trashing Britney Spears. When you say things that you got from Chelsea, some people (recognizing your reference) will say "OKAY, Chelsea Handler" But as an addict, you find it complimenting.

Is there a support group for this?

DREAMS ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE.

This week was a week about making dream come true. On Monday January 17th it was Martin Luther King Day.

A riot is the language of the unheard.

- Martin Luther King Jr.

Kanye Tweet: Happy birthday to Dr.King... Stevie Wonder Music playing
-Martin Louis the King Jr.

 

Today, January 19th is dedicated to my own dreams. Or the beginning of that dream. I am now dedicating this blog to my own personal mission of "Taking a Shot of Vodka with Chelsea Handler."

I want to take a shot of vodka with Chelsea Handler.
- The Blonde Poncho

I will bombard (in a totally charming way) Chelsea through this blog,Twitter, Facebook, writing raps for her and just typically being myself and relating this wickedness to her. The point of this mission is to be close enough to touch and impress her with my wit. And to drink some vodka? (aiee Karumba!)

I say to you Dear Readers, BRING ON THE BLONDE AND BRING ON THE BELVIDERE. 

Much Love, 
    The Blonde Poncho 


PS *I now find myself imagining myself taking a shot with Chelsea Handler
*You now find yourself imagining me taking a shot of vodka with Chelsea Handler

Things to come